UPDATE

I just heard from Dr. Syn's office. Apparently the insurance did not get my info when they faxed it in the first time. So looks like we might not hear anything for another month. I knew going into this that it was going to be a long process. I guess I just did not know how hard it was going to be. It is so hard waiting. On a good note though by waiting I am having more time to get ready for it. I have been going to counseling for about a month now. Things are slow moving because I am going every other week. My counselor assures me that I am doing really good and am ahead of my game. I am really excited about that.

In my spiritual world things are going great. Matt and I are getting really involved at the downtown campus and we love it. We are so blessed to be a part of a great church. God has been moving at elife in ways that I can not believe. We saw over 600 people get baptized in one weekend. Then last weekend Matt and I participated in the four year anniversary celebration. Matt and I got to share our testimony about how God had set us free from our addiction from pornography through cardboard testimonies. If you don't know what that is look it up on you tube and you will find it. After each service we had people that came up to us and thanked us for sharing our story. The thing that broke my heart about that was that two of them were teenagers. God has really been laying this on my heart. I am not sure how I am going to make this happen but I would love the chance to share my story with teenage girls. Also God has lead us to a new lifehouse. We are so excited. We like it a lot. We can't wait for our social tomorrow night. This last weekend I also got to help with the Beth Moore event at the United Spirit arena. It was really cool. My favorite thing that came out of the day was a new devotional book about John that we got. It has really drawn Matt and I closer to God and to each other. I am excited to see what God is going to do.

Bailey has started preschool and it doing really well. I am excited to see all the ways that she is going to change this year. She has started Ballet at her daycare and is loving it. This next Friday she is going to get to go on her first field trip. They are going to the corn maze. Matt is thinking about going with her. Tomorrow her and daddy are going to eat breakfast before school. Matt and I got a chance to see the new movie from Sherwood Pictures "Courageous" Matt was really challenged to be a better daddy. I am so proud of him.

Here is the picture of our Cardboard testimony. This was painted with black light paint by Sarah Morey-Taylor. She is so talented.

Here are some examples of some cardboard testimonies by the fabulous Marla and Jenny. So glad to meet so many new friends.

In the near future!

Dear friends and family,
I am so excited to tell you about all the ways that God has been moving in my life. For one, God is using the power of medicine to heal the feelings of depression that I am having. I have been learning a lot about depression and all the ways that it can manifest itself. So now that my meds are getting in my system life has been a lot easier. I am thankful that God makes smart people that figured out how those drugs can help people.

The thing that I am most excited to tell you about is that I have decided to have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I had been avoiding it because I thought mostly that we could not afford it. The good news is that we indeed are going to be able to. As of right now the most that we are going to to have to pay is 1800. That is a lot for us but it looks like I might be able to use some of the money from my retirement to pay for it . I am so excited that I am going to get my life back. Without the surgery my life expectancy is 58 with the surgery it improved to 78. I have been waiting for a long time for something to help me. I know that there are some of you that will think that there are risk associated with this surgery. There are risk. The risk of Dying is .5% that is all. The same as having a C-Section or Gallbladder removed. Both of witch I have done and survived. There is a risk of infection or leakage also. And there is also a risk of malnutrition. But The risk of not doing anything and continue to gain weight is so much more. Without the surgery I have a 4.25% of dying every year. Both my aunt and uncle have had this surgery and have done very well. I know that If I do all that they tell me I will be successful. To those of you that are thinking that I could loose the weight just by eating right and exercising you are right. However, If I was going to do it I would already done it. And I am likely to gain it back after the first major tragedy in my life. The other good thing about having the surgery is that I am going to get some counseling that I needed anyways. Matt is very supportive.
Starting tomorrow the only thing we are going to eat is meat, veggies, fruit and nuts. we are going to rock. So if anyone is wanting some junk food come to our house. We are planning to gather it all up and take it to the homeless. This is just the first step. Also tomorrow I am also going to start working out 3 days a wk with my trainer Jason at his women's only class. The other days I am going to be working out at home with Matt. I am ready to get back into the swing of things. I have been so tired of feeling so bad. I know that when I get back into this I will feel so much better.
Last night we got to go to a worship concert and dessert auction at the Lubbock Dream Center. Though we could not afford to buy a desert we were very blessed by the worship. I knew that God was speaking directly to me. The band that we heard was Shores of Grace. They sang a song about Lazarus and I felt like God was saying to me that that is how I am with all my weight. My weight is like my grave close and that God wants to take those grave clothes off. I pictured him unwrapping me and underneath I saw me in a beautiful white gown and I saw like a wedding and there was Jesus at the alter waiting for me. I have really been feeling God's calling this weekend to have more of a relationship with him. In church this morning Chris Preached about the things that give Christians Joy. And there was lots of conviction. Matt and I don't tithe like God says that we should. We give god the end of our paycheck instead of the beginning. And I call myself a Christian and I listen to Christian Podcast all day long. But I don't read my bible and I don't feel like I have a close relationship with God. And because of that I don't live out the life that I claim to have. One thing that all Christians should have is a desire to serve God and that is not something that I have had. I want to but I have allowed my depression to be an excuse. So that is what I am going to start working on. Getting in the word. And volunteering for childcare at the church on Monday nights.

This month I turned 29. I had a great Birthday. Matt and I got to go see Chonda Peirce at Southcrest. It was wonderful. Felt so great to just laugh. I am so thankful that she openly tells her testimony. She struggles with depression also. Go figure a depressed comedian. But she is on the same meds that I am on and is doing great. I also was very moved by all the rest of what she had to say. I left that night in awe. The next day Matt and I went Gargage sales and got lots of good deals and had lots of fun. That night we went to Brian's Steakhouse with mom and EJ. On Sunday we cleaned house and watched movies. That night Matt went to Walmart and got a new Wii game for me. We got Zumba fitness. Hopefully I will learn to dance. Yeah right We will try.

Bailey is doing good. She is going to be starting a preschool program at her day care when school starts. She is excited. I am amazed at all the things that she has learned just since she has been there.

If you guys could keep our family in your prayers as we work through this major life change it would be awesome. I know that we will not be successful without God. Thank you to all of you that have challenged me and have supported me this year. I could not do life without you. I have a goal of loosing 50lbs but the end of the year. Matt has agreed that If I do I can get and IPAD for Christmas. I have challenged him to loose 40lbs by October. If he does we will get to go to the David Crowder concert and get MVP tickets.

Update

Good Morning Friends
Well the world has not come to an end as one church predicted. I am thankful for that. but I would not be too sad if it did cause I would get to see my daddy. Well as most of you know my daddy passed away last month. The first week of April mom and dad had just got home from visiting my aunts, uncles, and great aunts and uncles. Daddy was in a lot of pain and they could not get his pain under control. After several days of increasing his oral pain meds and still no relief the hospice doctor felt like it was time to try something different. They decided to use a pain patch on daddy. The problem was that all the medicine that he had been taking and the pain patch was storing up in daddy's body because the one kidney that he had was shutting down. Daddy became overdosed and the doctors said that daddy would have to sleep it off. So he slept all day Thursday and Friday. After work Friday I went to the gym. I was trying to work out but I was just having a hard time. I thought that I was going to get to work out with my special friend but she was busy so I just had to work out on my own. When I was done I got changed and then mom called. She said that dad was not doing well. I knew that day when I left the gym that Dad was not going to make it. I dont know how I knew but I did. That night we drove out to Crosbyton to see mom and dad. Dad was not awake. He heard me and woke up a little but 1 am we had to call the hospice nurse. I was so scared. He was breathing really gurgely. The nurse came and was able to get him stable. By the next morning Dad was awake and I started to believe that things might be ok. Long before we new that my daddy was going to be sick Matt and I bought tickets to go see sesame street live. I did not want to leave him but I did not want to disappoint my little girl. So we all got ready after a few hours of sleep to go see Elmo's Healthy Hero's. We had a really good time. Lauren and Tristan went with us.





After the show we went back to Crosbyton. After being up late at night we laid down and took a nap. That night I was woken up and Dad was not breathing well at all even with his oxygen as high as it could go. We called Hospice and they wanted us to take dad to Crosbyton Hospital so that is what we did. We got him in the ambulance and got him there. However, like we knew would happen they did not have the ability to take care of him in the way that he needed. We had him moved to UMC and dad was immediately placed in medical ICU. We stayed for a bit but daddy was getting worked up so we left. We hated to leave him but we knew that the truth was that we would not be able to see him and that getting a good nights rest would be better in the long run. We went home that night and crawled in bed in the wee hours of the morning. I believe that God gave me some of the best sleep that I have had in years. When we woke the next morning I felt like I could conquer the world. Little did I know that I would surely need that. You see when we arrived at the hospital Daddy was not doing any better. We were not there long before Dad was begging Mom to take her home. I felt so bad for her. She left Daddy's room seeking to call hospice and have him moved out of the hospital. But as she left the doctor came into the room and asked me to step outside with him. He told me that even though we had good intentions of moving dad that he would never make it to the ambulance and if he did h would not make it home. He ask that I gather my family in a conference room and that he would be there to talk to us when we were ready. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I got all my family in this tiny room and listen to the Dr tell me that my daddy would not make it through the day. He gave us several options and we decided to leave daddy where he was and to make him as comfortable as possible. We called all the family and everyone said their goodbyes. We sat in Daddy's room all day. Watching him sleep. We had so many people come to see that some of it is a blur. There were lots of emotions. At times I was angry and I did not want anyone there I wanted my family to get to have the last few minutes with dad alone. But in my heart I knew that these people were there cause they loved us. I am thankful for great friends who came when we needed them the most. God is so good isn't he. He knows what we need right when we need it. That day a very special friend came to see us. It was Daddy's Dr. Her name is Ashley Sturgeon. She is one of the sweetest people that I have ever met. Daddy called her his Angel. That day was a difficult day for her. You see she loved my Dad because he reminded her so much of her granddad. Daddy is the reason that Ashley decided that she was not tough enough to be an oncologist. I believe that is a special job reserve for special people. But she will make a great skin Dr someday. Anyway back to the story. That day when Ashley came to see dad she told us that her Granddad had passed away at 8:45 that morning. It seemed that when she was in the room that Dad's stats were doing better. She told our family that God knew what he was doing when he had her on call that day. Daddy passed away that night April 10, 2011 at 8:45pm, 12 hours after her granddad passed away. We will forever be greatful for this angel that God put in our life.





The next few days we made plans for Dads memorial service. I spent lots of hours making a video to show at the funeral. While family came and went. We all just felt lost really. Because daddy wanted to be cremated we had to wait for his body to be ready. Finally we were able to bury him on Friday April 15th in Ralls TX. There were so many people at the funeral. Most of my co-workers were there Chris from our church, people that knew dad from all the years that he had spent farming. I didn't know that so many people cared about our family. We can never say enough Thank you's.

If you have made it this far in the story I am grateful to call you my friend. Right now I really need to be very raw and honest. Since the funeral things have gone back to normal around me. But inside I feel empty and trapped. I am writing all of this mostly for myself. I just need to get it all out. I need someone to listen even if it is blank air. Before my Dad passed away things were going so good for me. I was working out and I felt so good. I wanted to do things. I wanted to live and I wanted to draw so close to God the Father. I had purpose and intentionality. But in the last few weeks I have felt myself fall further and further into a depression. I have been eating all the time. I am so afraid mentally to go to gym. I know that I need to go. I know that I will feel better if I go. But the last time that I was in the gym brought so much disappointment and discouragement that I don't make myself go back. I want to on the inside. I really do. I want to change my life and be a better person. I don't want Bailey to loose her mommy in her twenties. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I have hid myself in my job and I have neglected my husband and my daughter. I am not telling you all this cause i want sympathy or anything like that. It is just that I have been thinking a lot and I needed to unload. Every week I have watched the biggest loser. At the beginning of the show I was so pumped that I was going to be just like them that I was going to take my life back. As the weeks have past I have fallen back into the same person that I once was. The one that would sit on the couch and think "I wish that could be me. I wish I could do that. Maybe someday." But I don't like that person. This week as I watched someone on the show was pleading with that old me. They said please don't be afraid to ask for help. People want to help you and asking for help will be the best thing that you ever did." I have thought about that this week and what that looks like for me. And I have decided that for me this is where I want to come and ask for help. I am not asking you all to jump in and help me in physical ways though I wouldn't turn that down. This is something that I will have to do on my own and I know that. But what I am want to ask you to do is pray that God will help me deal with these feelings that have taken over my life. That I will have the strength to fight back. I know that I can not do this alone in my own power. But I am coming to know the one that has given me power. So would you please be my warriors in prayer and together we will conquer this battle. I will be victorious on my journey. I want to say thank you to all of you that have been there for me through this whole journey of learning who I am in Christ and who he wants me to be. You have been more help to me than you could ever imagine. You each are so special to me. I have a board in my office that has all the comments from this blog and my Facebook. And everyday I look at them and know that I am loved. God is going to use my story for his good. I have seen it already. A special friend told me that God's word says that he does not waste our hurts. And I believe that the word is true. So God please help me to see ways that you can use my hurts.

In other news Bailey seems to be liking her new daycare and mommy is loving that Daddy is being so great about taking her and picking her up from school. My job has been very busy and I have been working lots of overtime. It is not fun sometimes but again God knows what we need when we need it. Matt's car broke this week and we had to drive one car while getting in fixed. But we are thankful that it was not too expensive and that because of my overtime we were able to afford getting it fixed. Yeah daddy would be so proud of us that we took care of it all by ourselves. This week we also went to a memorial service to honor my Dad's memory. This was a service that was put on by Hospice of Lubbock. It was a little awkward and comforting all at the same time. I am glad that we went. I just wanted to show respect to the people that have loved us through the last few months of dad's illness and even in his last few hours. We will forever be grateful to this ministry. They have truly blessed us.

Well I think that is it for now. I have been sitting in McDonalds for the last three hours or so pouring my heart into this post. I am so glad that I did. I feel so much better. I never thought that I would keep this blog going this long or that I would be so blessed by it. But I am glad that I made the decision to start it.
I look forward to sharing more joy and struggles with all of you. For through it God will continue to grow me.

I love you daddy!

YAY GOD !

Hi friends,

Well I just want to say that God is so awesome. I am so excited about all the things that he is arranging in my life. To start with work is going so well. God has allowed things to work out and things will be a lot less stressful. He has also blessed me with a great new schedule that will allow me to accomplish the things that He has placed in my heart to do.

I am so glad that I have learned that I have to do things for myself. It is amazing how I feel since even the last time that I blogged. I feel like I have a ton of bricks lifted off my shoulders.

Bailey started daycare this past week at her new daycare. It seems like she really likes it and her Daddy is really liking getting to spend more time with her. And that makes mommy a happy camper. Both to see them boding and cause it gives me a break.

So the thing that I am the most excited about is what happened at the gym last friday. I went in to get my assesment done. I was expecting them to show me around and give me some instruction on how to use the equipment. I walk out with so much more. I met an incredibel trainer that wants to use her tallents that God has given her to help others. And guess what she picked me. She wants to train me two days a week. And perfect for me they are the two days that Lisa was not going with me. I worked out with my trainer for the first time today and loved it. I feel so good. I am excited about what is to come. Last Thurs I felt so hopeless. I wanted to give up. I remember praying and asking God to help me. And he did. I woke up Friday morning Not wanting to go to the gym and had all the excuses in the world. But then I remembered that I had that appointment. I am so glad that I went. I am starting to feel a lot more confident in the gym. I am begining to like going to gym. I have really suprised myself at all that I have accomplished in the last few weeks. I know that I am going to be sucessful. I am striving to keep the word "cant" out of my vocabulary. My eating has been going ok. I am under calorie today. YaY! I am praying for more and more days like this.

My mom, dad and sister went to my aunt and uncles this last week. Dad did really good. He got to see his aunts. They came home on Sat. He has been really tired and slept most of the day on Sunday. I was so glad to see him. I wish that I could see him more. I love him so much. They really missed Bailey while they were gone so she is going to spend the week with them.

This weekend we are going to see Sesame Street Live. I am so excited that it is not even funny. Growing up we never got a chance to do stuff like this. I am glad that we are able to take Bailey. I hope that she really likes it. We got really good seats. We are on the forth row yay! And we are getting to go with our friend Lauren and her son Tristan. It is funny that I am just as excited about taking Tristan as I am about Bailey.

Last night Matt and I went to Prayer Meeting at Elife. It was really incredible. God was moving. I got to see my friend Hope. I am so excited about the relationship that God is developeing between she and I. God really speaks to me through her. I am still processing what He used her to tell me tonight. I am really convicted after church that I have not shared Christ with my family in the way that I would have shared with others in my Oikos. God would you help me to have the courage to be bold in my faith.

Hope that you guys have a great week.

Francis

Changes

Hi friends,

Well things have been crazy lately. Life at work has been really stressful. But it seems like things are on the up side. Things as we know it are starting to change. I will soon be getting a new position at work. Yay! I will now be driving to Levelland instead of Sundown. I am really excited and nervous all at the same time. I am just really glad for the change. In addition to the change at work we have also decided to move Bailey to a Lubbock daycare. She will be going to Doodle Bug Square which I am really excited about. It is right accross the street from Matt's work and after meeting her teacher last week I am confident that Bailey is going to get really good care and is going to learn a lot in the process. The curiculum that they have chosen is one of the best out there. Bailey is excited and can't wait to start. Plus, Matt will get to share in getting Bailey to and from school. I think that I am having a harder time with the change than she is. I love all her teachers at her current daycare and we have been so blessed. She is growing up so fast. Her little personality is comming out so much lately. The change that I am the most excited about is that Matt and I have decided to get a gym membership for myself. I signed up at Bodyworks last Friday. I think that this is going to be a really good thing for me. I am so thankful for my friend Lisa Warren for helping me to decide. Lisa, thanks for giving me the little bit of encouragement that I have needed in the last two weeks. I am looking forward to working out togethor. We are going to the Bodyworks at slide and 82nd. So if you go to that gym I would love to know. I would love to workout with anyone that would like to workout with me. I had my first workout yesterday. I walked on the treadmill for 25 mins. Though it is no where close to where I want to be I am proud of that accomplishment. This last week has been really good for me. I have really started to grasp that I have to do this for me. That I have to make time for me. And that by doing that I am going to be a better wife, mom, and employee. I want so much to please people all the time. It is time that I start pleasing myself. For me to start believing that I am worth it. I also want to please God. I read Lysa Terkurst blog and she was talking about this today. I know that part of what holds me back is that I am so worried that I am going to let God and everyone else down. Cause I have promised over and over that this would be the time. God I want to loose this weight so that I can please you more. God I want to do this so I can serve you more. But each time so far I have failed. I am so tired of failing. I want so badly to be the winner. I also heard a sermon from Perry Noble this week and He reminded me that the God of the universe is entralled with my beauty. Like a new born baby God is captivated by the beauty of his daughter. That God loves me for me. He made me(Psalm 139). He knew me before I was born. He knew who I was going to be and where I was going to fail. He loves me simply because I am his daughter. In the sermon Perry talked about all the ways that we try to find our worth, our career, our home, our children. And we live defeated cause we never measure up to the expectations that we have of ourself. God does not see me fat, ugly and a failure. . I know that others dont see me this way either. They see me as beautiful cause they have told me so. And I have seen the passion in their eyes when they say it. So many times I have heard "I just wish that you could see how beautiful that you are." But I don't see it. So friends, please pray for me this week that when I look into the mirror that I will start to see that I am beautiful to believe it in my heart. That I will start focusing on the things that I see that are beautiful in others. And it is not their looks that I see, it is not their job or their house. It is their heart. Today, I have been thinking about my goals and the things that I want to accomplish. My big goal is to loose 200 lbs. But my goal for this week is to make it to the gym 3 days. I already have one down and have commited to working out with Lisa on Thursday and Friday.
So there you go. My second goal for the week is to start drinking more water. Though it has been easier to turn down a soda, I have been slacking in the water department.

Dad is doing really good. They are thinking about going out of town this weekend. I hope that it works out for them. I got to spend several hours alone with him this weekend. That is just what I needed. I love my family but I have been dying for that time. I think that reality is setting in more and more each day that his days on this earth are numbered. I have put up a good front to most people but this week as been hard. I love him so much. I can't image life without him. So thankful to know that I have a heavenly father who loves me and that will be there forever. But it doesnt make it any easier.

Well time for bed. Have a good hump day. And thanks to each of you for being my friend. Till next time.

<>< Francis

A FUNK

So this week already has been vey difficult. I have been in a really bad funk. I feel like I am fighting depression or something. I have tried to handle this on my own but I am really week and I need help. I am asking all of you to stand with me in this battle that I am facing. Please pray that God will restore to me the joy that I had last week, he would help me to find within myself the determination to fight, and would remind me that he has already won this battle. .... Last night Matt and I went to Monday Night Prayer at E-Life. The theme for the night was that our stuggle is not agaist flesh and blood. That it is against the enemy. I have been feeling the attacks of the enemy really strong this last week. You know from my last post that I was really pumped up about how God had helped me and Matt overcome our addiction to pornography and that the Lord was going to use that for his glory. So dont you know that that is the very thing that satan threw back in my face. And so for several days now I have been struggling with this temptaion. I dont want to do this. I want to have God's best for my life and I know that his best is not an addiction to pornography. No only have I been struggling with that sin I have also been falling back into all the same habbits that I used to have. I have had soda's and lots of processed food. Again, I know that this is not God's best for me. Monday we had the weigh in for our weight competition at work. I didnt even weigh in because I knew that I had gained weight. I am seriously discourage right now. Last night I felt God telling me that my weight is Satan's victory. If he can keep me knocked down by this, then I will not be effective for God's kingdom. I dont want him to have that victory in my life. I want to serve God with the best of me. And right now I am not at my best.

I have been encouraged though by the book that I am reading. Made to Crave talks about how your sucess in your weightloss journey comes when you are craving God. And honestly I fee like that is where I am getting to. I dont know that I am totally there yet, but it feels so good to have even a small portion of the relationship with God that I used to have. It has been so good in the last few weeks to feel so close to him. I pray that it would not stop. I know that he will never let go of me. I just have to trust him. To seek his best.

In other news dad seems to be doing ok. He did not sleep well last night. So he slept most of the afternoon. But he was able to come to Lubbock and get some paper work taken care of for me. I am glad that he and I got to spend the afternoon togethor. My aunt and uncle are comming in this weekend. Bailey is so excited to see her cousins. Mom took her home with them tonight. We will be going out there on Sat morning. So glad that they are coming back. I love it when they are here and hate it when they leave. They are so much comfort for me.

This last week I also got a bonus at work. Matt and I decided to get Bailey a new bed and finish decorating her room. It was really fun. She is loving it and it makes me glad. We are not done yet. Still waiting on part of her bed but it is mostly done.

Well work in the morning. Better get some rest.

Help me help them!

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