Well the world has not come to an end as one church predicted. I am thankful for that. but I would not be too sad if it did cause I would get to see my daddy. Well as most of you know my daddy passed away last month. The first week of April mom and dad had just got home from visiting my aunts, uncles, and great aunts and uncles. Daddy was in a lot of pain and they could not get his pain under control. After several days of increasing his oral pain meds and still no relief the hospice doctor felt like it was time to try something different. They decided to use a pain patch on daddy. The problem was that all the medicine that he had been taking and the pain patch was storing up in daddy's body because the one kidney that he had was shutting down. Daddy became overdosed and the doctors said that daddy would have to sleep it off. So he slept all day Thursday and Friday. After work Friday I went to the gym. I was trying to work out but I was just having a hard time. I thought that I was going to get to work out with my special friend but she was busy so I just had to work out on my own. When I was done I got changed and then mom called. She said that dad was not doing well. I knew that day when I left the gym that Dad was not going to make it. I dont know how I knew but I did. That night we drove out to Crosbyton to see mom and dad. Dad was not awake. He heard me and woke up a little but 1 am we had to call the hospice nurse. I was so scared. He was breathing really gurgely. The nurse came and was able to get him stable. By the next morning Dad was awake and I started to believe that things might be ok. Long before we new that my daddy was going to be sick Matt and I bought tickets to go see sesame street live. I did not want to leave him but I did not want to disappoint my little girl. So we all got ready after a few hours of sleep to go see Elmo's Healthy Hero's. We had a really good time. Lauren and Tristan went with us.
After the show we went back to Crosbyton. After being up late at night we laid down and took a nap. That night I was woken up and Dad was not breathing well at all even with his oxygen as high as it could go. We called Hospice and they wanted us to take dad to Crosbyton Hospital so that is what we did. We got him in the ambulance and got him there. However, like we knew would happen they did not have the ability to take care of him in the way that he needed. We had him moved to UMC and dad was immediately placed in medical ICU. We stayed for a bit but daddy was getting worked up so we left. We hated to leave him but we knew that the truth was that we would not be able to see him and that getting a good nights rest would be better in the long run. We went home that night and crawled in bed in the wee hours of the morning. I believe that God gave me some of the best sleep that I have had in years. When we woke the next morning I felt like I could conquer the world. Little did I know that I would surely need that. You see when we arrived at the hospital Daddy was not doing any better. We were not there long before Dad was begging Mom to take her home. I felt so bad for her. She left Daddy's room seeking to call hospice and have him moved out of the hospital. But as she left the doctor came into the room and asked me to step outside with him. He told me that even though we had good intentions of moving dad that he would never make it to the ambulance and if he did h would not make it home. He ask that I gather my family in a conference room and that he would be there to talk to us when we were ready. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I got all my family in this tiny room and listen to the Dr tell me that my daddy would not make it through the day. He gave us several options and we decided to leave daddy where he was and to make him as comfortable as possible. We called all the family and everyone said their goodbyes. We sat in Daddy's room all day. Watching him sleep. We had so many people come to see that some of it is a blur. There were lots of emotions. At times I was angry and I did not want anyone there I wanted my family to get to have the last few minutes with dad alone. But in my heart I knew that these people were there cause they loved us. I am thankful for great friends who came when we needed them the most. God is so good isn't he. He knows what we need right when we need it. That day a very special friend came to see us. It was Daddy's Dr. Her name is Ashley Sturgeon. She is one of the sweetest people that I have ever met. Daddy called her his Angel. That day was a difficult day for her. You see she loved my Dad because he reminded her so much of her granddad. Daddy is the reason that Ashley decided that she was not tough enough to be an oncologist. I believe that is a special job reserve for special people. But she will make a great skin Dr someday. Anyway back to the story. That day when Ashley came to see dad she told us that her Granddad had passed away at 8:45 that morning. It seemed that when she was in the room that Dad's stats were doing better. She told our family that God knew what he was doing when he had her on call that day. Daddy passed away that night April 10, 2011 at 8:45pm, 12 hours after her granddad passed away. We will forever be greatful for this angel that God put in our life.
The next few days we made plans for Dads memorial service. I spent lots of hours making a video to show at the funeral. While family came and went. We all just felt lost really. Because daddy wanted to be cremated we had to wait for his body to be ready. Finally we were able to bury him on Friday April 15th in Ralls TX. There were so many people at the funeral. Most of my co-workers were there Chris from our church, people that knew dad from all the years that he had spent farming. I didn't know that so many people cared about our family. We can never say enough Thank you's.
If you have made it this far in the story I am grateful to call you my friend. Right now I really need to be very raw and honest. Since the funeral things have gone back to normal around me. But inside I feel empty and trapped. I am writing all of this mostly for myself. I just need to get it all out. I need someone to listen even if it is blank air. Before my Dad passed away things were going so good for me. I was working out and I felt so good. I wanted to do things. I wanted to live and I wanted to draw so close to God the Father. I had purpose and intentionality. But in the last few weeks I have felt myself fall further and further into a depression. I have been eating all the time. I am so afraid mentally to go to gym. I know that I need to go. I know that I will feel better if I go. But the last time that I was in the gym brought so much disappointment and discouragement that I don't make myself go back. I want to on the inside. I really do. I want to change my life and be a better person. I don't want Bailey to loose her mommy in her twenties. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I have hid myself in my job and I have neglected my husband and my daughter. I am not telling you all this cause i want sympathy or anything like that. It is just that I have been thinking a lot and I needed to unload. Every week I have watched the biggest loser. At the beginning of the show I was so pumped that I was going to be just like them that I was going to take my life back. As the weeks have past I have fallen back into the same person that I once was. The one that would sit on the couch and think "I wish that could be me. I wish I could do that. Maybe someday." But I don't like that person. This week as I watched someone on the show was pleading with that old me. They said please don't be afraid to ask for help. People want to help you and asking for help will be the best thing that you ever did." I have thought about that this week and what that looks like for me. And I have decided that for me this is where I want to come and ask for help. I am not asking you all to jump in and help me in physical ways though I wouldn't turn that down. This is something that I will have to do on my own and I know that. But what I am want to ask you to do is pray that God will help me deal with these feelings that have taken over my life. That I will have the strength to fight back. I know that I can not do this alone in my own power. But I am coming to know the one that has given me power. So would you please be my warriors in prayer and together we will conquer this battle. I will be victorious on my journey. I want to say thank you to all of you that have been there for me through this whole journey of learning who I am in Christ and who he wants me to be. You have been more help to me than you could ever imagine. You each are so special to me. I have a board in my office that has all the comments from this blog and my Facebook. And everyday I look at them and know that I am loved. God is going to use my story for his good. I have seen it already. A special friend told me that God's word says that he does not waste our hurts. And I believe that the word is true. So God please help me to see ways that you can use my hurts.
In other news Bailey seems to be liking her new daycare and mommy is loving that Daddy is being so great about taking her and picking her up from school. My job has been very busy and I have been working lots of overtime. It is not fun sometimes but again God knows what we need when we need it. Matt's car broke this week and we had to drive one car while getting in fixed. But we are thankful that it was not too expensive and that because of my overtime we were able to afford getting it fixed. Yeah daddy would be so proud of us that we took care of it all by ourselves. This week we also went to a memorial service to honor my Dad's memory. This was a service that was put on by Hospice of Lubbock. It was a little awkward and comforting all at the same time. I am glad that we went. I just wanted to show respect to the people that have loved us through the last few months of dad's illness and even in his last few hours. We will forever be grateful to this ministry. They have truly blessed us.
Well I think that is it for now. I have been sitting in McDonalds for the last three hours or so pouring my heart into this post. I am so glad that I did. I feel so much better. I never thought that I would keep this blog going this long or that I would be so blessed by it. But I am glad that I made the decision to start it.
I look forward to sharing more joy and struggles with all of you. For through it God will continue to grow me.
I love you daddy!
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